Stop the Phones! Hold the Presses!

I’ve come to a startling revelation. I’ve been wrong all along about the Anne Murray Subsidy Act. It’s not a bad thing! It’s a good thing! For that matter, it’s so good that by the time you’ve finished reading this, you’ll want to climb up on the roof of your home/work/library/wherever you’re reading this, and sing “O, Canada” at the top of your lungs! Just don’t forget to pay your SOCAN tariff; it’s a public performance, after all.

Why am I such a sudden convert? I’ll tell you why: it’s because I’ve twigged onto the true purpose of the Blank Media Levy (it’s not a tax). It’s actually a secret government plot for…

Canadian World Domination

That’s right, folks, you read it here first. Thanks to the Home Copying Regime (that’s us), the Government of Canada/le Gouvernement du Canada now has the means to take over the world!

It’s not that difficult to figure out; I’m amazed nobody’s twigged onto this before.

The Blank Media Levy (it’s not a tax) will be distributed by the Canadian Private Copying Collective/Société Canadienne de Perception de la Copie Privée (CPCC/SCPCP) to SOCAN, CMRRA and their ilk, for distribution to their members, such as Celine Dion and Gordon Lightfoot. Which means, obviously, that everyone involved will be making even more money than before.

Now, switch your view south of the 49th. American artists will want to get in on the act, which seems only fair, since the Home Copying Regime (that’s us) copies a lot more American media than CanCon.

Problem is, there’s no way for them to get at the money.

Or is there?

Actually, it’s simple. All they have to do is emigrate to Canada, and join one of the Canadian artists’ collectives. Now, imagine what a huge influx of VERY well-paid individuals will mean to the Canadian tax base. Yup, more money for the government. More money for the collectives, too, through membership dues.

Now, we all know that entertainment is big business, with a capital BIG. All those artists will need people to support them, like producers, engineers and record company executives. That means more jobs. Of course, most of those jobs will just be filled by Americans following the artists north, but hey, who cares, it means more tax revenue for the government!

Of course, with all these new members for SOCAN and company, the percentages that the artists will get will start to become very, very small. No problem, we’ll just expand the Blank Media Levy (it’s not a tax) to cover things like computer memory and hard drives. (Let’s see here… a three minute MIDI works out to about 50KB… on a 1GB drive, that’s about 20,000 minutes of music… at 50¢ per 15 minutes that’s $0.50 × (20,000 ÷ 15) = $666.67 PER GIGABYTE… so a 17GB drive would cost an extra $11,333.33! And an extra $58.25 for 256MB of memory! WOOHOO! Mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money!) (Somebody feel free to correct my math if it’s wrong; I’m deficient in the Mathematics gene.)

Naturally, everyone will want to get in on the act. Scriptwriters, for example, will want their fair share, since blank video tapes can be used to record movies and television shows. And with the newly-expanded Blank Media Levy (it’s not a tax) covering computers, software programmers will want their piece of the pie, too. Which means they’ll all have to move to Canada, and of course bring their infrastructures with them. More jobs! More tax revenue!

But that’s not all! With so much media coming out of Canada, the U.S. will start to feel very Canadian. It’ll start slowly, of course, heading south through places like Buffalo and Coeur d’Alene (look it up) first, but soon it’ll spread throughout all of America, even to places like Georgia and West Virginia!

Imagine:

  • E.R. pre-empted by a Leafs/Habs game, and nobody complains!
  • Just For Laughs on prime-time on Fox!
  • Conan O’Brien replaced by Ralph Benmurgi! (Neither of them are funny, so who’d notice?)
  • Due South the number one rated show in North America! (And Americans would get the jokes, too!)
  • Dan Rather signing off by saying “Good day, eh?”!
  • RoboCop TV show resurrected, starring Luba Goy. (You REALLY have to be a TRUE Canadian to get THAT reference!)
  • “The Late Show with David Letterman” losing ratings to “Open Mike with Mike Bullard”!
  • Barbara Walters replaced by Pamela Wallin! (Okay, so it won’t be all roses…)
  • The Simpsons produced by Nelvana! (Errr… On second thought, better let South Korea keep that one.)
  • The cast of MadTV replaced by the cast of This Hour Has 22 Minutes! (It might even make MadTV funny!)
  • Hollywood referred to as “Vancouver South”!
  • “ABC World News Tonight” with J.D., I mean John, Roberts!
  • Chris Jericho becoming WWF World Champion! (Update: [9 Dec 2001] Oh shit, this one actually happened!)
  • Barenaked Ladies performing “Brian Wilson” at the Super Bowl half-time show!
  • The X-Files being good again!
  • Four words: Don Cherry for President!

But wait, there’s more! The entertainment industry is only the beginning! Once Canada owns the hearts and minds of every man, woman, child and pet in America, we can move in and take over every day life! Being so accustomed to the “Canadian way of life” courtesy of the Canadian-controlled media, they won’t notice when we take control of the government! And those who do notice will appreciate it! Of course, there may be some dissenters, but we’ll just pass a few new laws and take their guns away. If they keep complaining, we’ll send in the F.B.I., armed with pepper spray.

Yes, imagine Congress replaced by a House of Commons. The U.S. Senate replaced by a Canadian Senate (I know nobody would notice that change). And imagine, just imagine, the leader of the United States of America being fucking dignified! Imagine that!

Pretty soon, there will be no difference between America and Canada. At that point, the Canadian-controlled U.S. government will ask to become part of Canada. We Canadians, being such nice people, will of course agree (on our terms), leading to the creation of a new country, the United Canadian and American Provinces (Canada, for short), capital: Ottawa-Hull.

Proposed New Provincial Boundaries

The New Provinces

Once we’ve taken over America, the rest of the world will be child’s play. (The next country to be assimilated, I mean included, will be Cuba, just to piss off the Yanks.) And it’s all thanks to Sheila Copps and the Blank Media Levy (it’s not a tax).

Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.

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