After doing your duty tonight, grab your alcoholic beverage of choice, sit down in front of the tube and click between every Canadian station doing blow-by-blow election coverage as you play the Election Night Drinking Game. Follow all the parties and leaders and take drinks as indicated below.
If they claim the election results prove they’re “no longer a fringe party,” one sip. Two sips if it’s Harris, but no sips if you actually believe it.
If they claim “a moral victory,” one sip. Two sips if it’s Layton.
If they says how pleased they are with themselves for “having put (fill in the blank) on the national agenda during this campaign,’ one sip. Two sips if it’s Layton.
If they say they “made this campaign about ideas,” one sip. Two if it’s Layton.
If they say “the NDP will speak for everyone who doesn’t have a voice,” one sip. Two if it’s Layton, one big gulp if it occurs to you that this is pretty convenient, since if they don’t have a voice they can’t tell you to shut up.
If they announce the NDP’s job will be “to act as the conscience of Parliament,” one gulp. Two if it’s Layton.
Any mention of Svend Robinson, one sip. Finish your drink if any talking head insinuates that his shoplifting episode actually had any notable effect on the NDP’s results.
Any interview with Bob Rae, one sip. Try to keep it down.
Any NDPer who mentions Ed Broadbent during an interview, one sip. One big gulp if there’s actually an interview with Broadbent, the last NDP leader who was worth a damn.
[Edit: Oops, didn’t realize Broadbent was actually running for a seat in this election. Scratch this one.]
If they announce they “have heard and respect the message of Canadians,” one sip. Two sips if it’s a minority government, finish your drink if the message is to go sit in the corner with a dunce cap on.
If any defeated Liberal candidate has a big, fat, hairy fit on TV and blames the whole thing on Chrétien and Québec, chug during the rant.
If Sheila Copps is seen smiling on TV, one sip.
If Brian Tobin is seen smiling on TV, one sip.
Any interview with Jean Cretien, one sip. Two if you actually understand him. Finish your drink when he finishes his interview, if you haven’t thrown it at the TV by then.
Any interview with John Turner, one sip. Take another one at the end of the interview if you made it through without laughing at him.
Any interview with Kim Campbell, one sip. Take another one at the end of the interview if you made it through without laughing at her.
Any interview with Brian Mulroney, two sips. Four if he mentions Reagan or Thatcher, eight if he mentions both.
Any interview with Mike Harris, one gulp. Two gulps if you voted against the PC’s in the last Ontario election but now wish you hadn’t.
If any victorious Conservative candidate, in a moment fuelled by victory party punch, inevitably announces he can’t wait to get to Ottawa to undo the whole Liberal gay-metric-French-gun-atheist-crime-immigration-hanging agenda, one big gulp.
If any Conservative party official has to announce that while he sympathizes, the new member’s statements are definitely not party policy and only personal opinions, two big gulps.
If they say the election results are a “vindication” of Québec separatism, one sip. Two if it’s Duceppe.
If they say the election results are a “humilition,” one sip. Two if it’s Duceppe.
If they manage to say the election results are a “vindication” and a “humiliation” at the same time, one big gulp. Two if it’s Duceppe.
If they say the Bloc is willing to work with anyone who’ll make sure Québec won’t miss out on the goodies, finish your drink. Crack open another one and finish that one if it’s Duceppe.
And finally, if you see an image of a U-Haul in front of the parliament buildings, finish all the drinks you have left, turn off the TV and go to bed.
Remember, voting gives you the right to complain bitterly and be unreasonably grumpy. Those who do not vote can only whine and express their displeasure in a timid and non-participatory manner. If you vote and help elect a candidate, you have the right to pester, harass, snipe, chastise, harangue, wail and/or bemoan every decision, statement, behaviour, conduct, relationship, affiliation and/or position of that politician for the next four or so years.