What NOT to do during Return of the King

  • Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly “Where the hell is Harry Potter?”
  • Block the entrance to the theater while screaming “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” Optionally, scream it like Jimmy from South Park: “You shall not p-p-p-pa… You shall not p-p-p-p-p-paaa…”
  • After the movie say “Lucas could have done it better.”
  • Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says “the Ring”.
  • Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
  • Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
  • Finish off every one of Elrond’s lines with “Mr. Anderson”.
  • Carress each piece of popcorn calling it “My Precioussss” before eating it.
  • When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing “And I did it… MYYYYYYYY WAYYYYYYYY!”
  • Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone’s finger and fall down the stairs.
  • When Denethor lights the fire, shout “Barbecue!”
  • Call out “That’s my cousin in the orc suit!” when there’s 60,000 orcs on screen.
  • Every time someone kills an orc yell “That’s what I’m Tolkien about!”
  • During a long shot of a battle inquire “Where’s Waldo?”
  • Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
  • Start an orc sing-a-long.
  • Dress up like Johnny Depp in “Pirates of the Caribbean” and refer to Legolas as “Will Turner”.
  • If you’re at a 12:01 premiere, dress up as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.
  • Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.
  • Say “I love you more than Jesus” every time Aragorn comes on screen.
  • Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.
  • Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
  • When Shelob comes on exclaim “Man! Charlotte’s really let herself go!”

Special bonus if your theatre is playing all three back-to-back:

What NOT to do during The Two Towers

  1. When the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout “RUN FOREST, RUN!”
  2. Dress up as old ladies and reenact “The Battle of Helms Deep” Monty Python style.
  3. When they go in the Paths of the Dead wait for tense moment and shout “I see dead people!”

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