Would the real Slim Shady please FUCK OFF, please FUCK OFF, please FUCK OFF!

So Metallica has delivered their list of users to Napster and gotten them banned, and Dr. Dre is talking about doing the same thing. Now Eminem, Dre’s protogé, is making noise about Napster. Actually, I’ll just let Eminem speak for himself here:

Eminem Blasts Napster

Expect Napster to be high on the list of candidates for future musical dissing by rapper Eminem, who recently impugned the reputations of Christina Aguilera, ’N Sync, Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst, and Total Request Live’s Carson Daly in his new single, “The Real Slim Shady.” Already predisposed to be anti-Napster as an associate of “Slim Shady” producer Dr. Dre (who’s suing the MP3-swapping-software company in conjunction with Metallica), Eminem is the latest victim of the software’s ability to make music available for free download even before the rest of the world can hear it. Virtually his entire new album, The Marshall Mathers LP due in stores Tuesday is available on Napster, and Eminem says it makes him angry enough to want to do a little “’97 Bonnie and Clyde” on the embattled Web outfit.

“I think that shit is fucking bullshit,” says Eminem, who’s also had his home address and phone number revealed on the Internet. “Whoever put my shit on the Internet, I want to meet that motherfucker and beat the shit out of him, because I picture this scrawny little dickhead going, ‘I got Eminem’s new CD! I got Eminem’s new CD! I’m going to put it on the Internet.’ I think that anybody who tries to make excuses for that shit is a fucking bitch. I’m sorry; when I worked 9 to 5, I expected to get a fucking paycheck every week. It’s the same with music; if I’m putting my fucking heart and all my time into music, I expect to get rewarded for that. I work hard… and anybody can just throw a computer up and download my shit for free.

“That Napster shit, if that gets any bigger, it could kill the whole purpose of making music. It’s not just about the money it’s the thrill of going to the store; you can’t wait till that artist’s release date, taking the wrapper off the CD and putting the CD in to see what it sounds like. The Internet is taking the whole fucking thrill away from that.”

Eminem hasn’t said whether he plans to join Dre and Metallica in their legal maneuvers and, like those acts, provide Napster with a list of those who have downloaded unauthorized material using the Napster technology. But it’s certainly clear that he’d rather not see any Napster execs at the backstage meet and greets during his summer tour with Dre and Snoop Dogg.

“I’ve seen those little sissies on TV, talking about [how] ‘The working people should just get music for free,’” Eminem adds. “I’ve been a working person. I never could afford a computer, but I always bought and supported the artists that I liked. I always bought a Tupac CD, a Biggie CD, a Jay-Z CD. If you can afford a computer, you can afford to pay $16 for my CD.”

Christ, and people say I have a foul mouth.

Ooh, yeah. Waiting for a new album to be released, going to a store, plunking down twenty or more of my hard-earned (Canadian) bucks (plus G.S.T.), getting it home, unwrapping it, popping it in the CD player, pressing play and only then finding out that the album has maybe one good song and 11 filler songs that suck ass really turns my fucking crank. NOT!

Okay, let’s put this in a language this white-trash gangsta-rapper wannabe might understand: “How many motherfucking caps to you want me to blast into your fucking argument, beyotch?”

Now that that’s out of the way, I’d also like to say: “I wasn’t the one who put your lame-ass new album on Napster, but if claiming I was will give me the opportunity to beat on your wannabe ass for a few minutes, just bring it!”

White “boyz” doing gangsta rap. You’d think they would’ve learned their lesson with Vanilla Ice and Snow. Apparently not.

Yo, whitey! I work 9 to 5. You’re right, I do expect my paycheque. I even know how to spell paycheque. You know what? When you, Dr. Dre, Metallica and everyone else who bitches about this shit start working 9-5 five days a week, then maybe, just maybe, I’ll shed a tear for you. When you start working 40 hours a week, not three, then I’ll consider feeling sorry for you. When you’re facing the same challenges the average working stiff faces every single day, then get back to me. When your biggest question with each cheque you get is “Should I pay the rent or buy food this time?” and not “Should I get the 8-ball or the speedball this time?” then and only then will I consider gracing you with my presence, you arrogant asshole!

And who the fuck is Jay-Z, anyways?

The irony of it all is that these gangsta rappers rap about doing B&E’s, murders, gang fights, stealing, doing drugs, and bragging about all the illegal things they do, and how cool it is that they do all these illegal things. Then they hear about people “stealing” from them, and it’s a sin worthy of capital punishment.

And what are the REAL godfathers of gangsta rap doing? What do Ice-T and Public Enemy think of MP3s? They’re embracing it. They’re the true artists; they’re going with what the people want, what their fans want. They’re confident enough in their own ability and talent to let people go ahead and put them online. They know that the people who like them will go out and support them with their money. Anybody who doesn’t was never going to buy it in the first place. Besides, the real money in the music industry is not in album sales, it’s in touring. The more people you reach, whether by album sales, radio airplay or MP3 trading, the more people will shell out the $50 or more for your concert ticket, t-shirt, etc. Although it occurs to me now, do rappers sell t-shirts at their concerts, or is that just a rock/metal thing? I’ve never been to a rap concert, so I don’t know.

Now, let us take a step back and take a look at the two most popular/successful white rappers out there: Kid Rock and Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst. What’s the biggest difference between these guys and Eminem? Besides the fact they’re not whiny bitches, I mean? They’re progressive. Metal-rap has been around for years, ever since Run-D.M.C. covered Aerosmith’s “Walk This Way” (although that’s more like rock-rap than metal-rap), and Anthrax did “I’m the Man” and their remake of Public Enemy’s “Bring the Noise”, but it’s never been more popular than it is now. They’re bringing a “new” musical genre to the fore-front, combining heavy metal and rap into something that is more popular and far-reaching than either is alone. And what is Eminem doing? More gangsta rap. [yawn]

I remember someone a few years ago saying gangsta rap was dead. Who was it again? Oh, yeah. It was Dr. Dre!

Hey, I can’t afford $20 CD’s because I have a computer. The money I spent on my newest computer could have bought me over 100 CD’s. Which do you think is going to serve me better in the real world, one computer or 100 CD’s?

And what the fuck kind of name is Eminem, anyways? Who in their right mind names themselves after candy?

Shut the fuck up. Loser.

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